OH man accused of having sex with a picnic table

A couple of thoughts ...

1. This stuff usually happens in the UK. So, way to go, Ohio.

2. A tipster reportedly provided 3 DVDs to the police, showing the table-desecration as it happened. Three DVDs!

Comments

[True American]

Splinters. Ouch

[in2ropin]

Holy crap! $20,000.00 bond? For doing your table? Weird yes, but criminal? OK, he lives near a school, but could the school children see his deck? And yes, I spelled that correctly. What's with the perv who filmed him? Couldn't they call the police when he did it and sign a complaint then? Or maybe police warn him someone was watching and don't do it again? Let me get this straight, burglars get less bond set than this guy who's doing his table?

OK, you all can have at me now. Start with how criminal that is and if he'd do a table maybe he would do a child and all of that!

[Keith G in P.V.]

I'll be thinking about THIS one all weekend.

I wonder if the guy has a privacy fence, in which case wouldn't the DVD-recording neighbor be a peeping Tom?

I'm thinking this is a victimless crime. I don't think the table will bring charges.

What is the difference between having sex with the patio table and an inflatible? Other than the possible need for a tetnus shot if the table has jagged edges?

I've been known to have an urge, but a metal picnic table in Ohio in January? It would be like making love to a block of ice.

The four counts apparently cover one occurence INSIDE the house. I'm looking at my right hand and thinking that my sex life is over forever, legally speaking.

My end tables are getting nervous.

Could the table have been more cold, more unresponsive, than an angry ex-wife? I guess I could call mine and see.

[Homer]

Sex with a picnic table is illegal? Oh my...

[Homer]

So sex with a picnic table is illegal? What's next? No sex with a blow dryer? What's a guy to do?

[Me so Horny]

I wonder how the umbrella feels about the table's infidelity?

[STA]

Keith G.:
"It would be like making love to a block of ice."

I'll bet there are a few ex-wives and soon-to-be ex-wives that closely resemble that block of ice...

As for the picnic table, I just wonder...who has eaten there?

[Disgusted]

Next picnic I'm passing on the pickles and mayo.

maybe he was board!!!

[Patty PV]

Stiff as a board maybe . . . forget the pickles and mayo at the next picnic, I'm not touching the hot dog buns either.

I wonder what inspired this act? How long did he fantasize about the picnic table? Are redwood chaise lounges at risk here? We need a half-way house for misbegotten lawn furniture . . .

[Ben Dover]

Maybe he couldn't get that old familiar jingle out of his cracked pot mind: "Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce, shove your patty up the crevasse . . . "

[Elliot Spitzer]

I guess he didn't have the $4300.00 for a hooker. It takes two to tango, was the table charged with public indecency too? It could be a case of entrapment. Was the patio table working for the police? Here is some advice. If you have a fetching piece of outdoor furniture, or an irresistible yard gnome, take it inside and close the blinds. Or better yet, buy a girl a drink, or take her to dinner.

[AH]

What do his buddies say about him now???

[D]

I knew something in this potato salad tasted funny.

[kcmo_710]

That punch did have a little wang to it

[Jym]

The real question here is....Does the $20,000 bond fit the crime?? Yes, the table was a minor.

[DKC]

Who was on top?

[Eddy Haskel]

"... I believe in miracles, where you gone, you sexy ..." table?

[Sandra]

Just goes to show ya...all some guys want is someplace to stick it. Consider the advantages from the guy's point of view...he doesn't have to do foreplay; he doesn't have to spend any money, the table doesn't talk and it's always available. If only it could clean and cook!

[Billy the Kid]

If it was consensual I see no problem as long as the table was over 18 years of age.

[STA]

Foreplay???

Texas foreplay: "Get in the truck, b*tch!"

Australian foreplay: "Y'wake Sheila?"

Alabama foreplay: "Hi Mom!"

[peter]

What about a vacuum cleaner? That's not illegal is it??????

[Paul]

It turns out, Carl Peterson and Herm Edwards are looking to draft that table.

"Dat's a tough table. Dat's what you want in a table. Toughness," said Herm.

[stantheman]

Splinters...oh god,the splinters.

[Re]

Wonder if table made out of treated wood ? Now the cops might charge him with RAPE of Formaldiehyde? Talk about kinky sex !!!!

[Eddy Haskel]

Thant table was asking for it. It was sitting out there, in the open, just wearing that skimpy little table cloth.

[Joe]

Obviously, the table was a willing participant - wonder if it was over 18 years old? LOL

[potty mouth]

flat as a board, easy to nail?

[Charcoal Briquet]

Ok, you all are missing the point here. There were four chairs who were forced to witness this terrible behavior. They are scarred for life; their finish is ruined and they'll never be the same.

I understand they have been taken to the furniture shop for refinishing. I wonder if their therapy is covered by insurance.

Imagine what the bond would of been like if he had nailed the tailpipe of someones car.

[pill]

Did he buy the table dinner and a drink before he did the deed

where did he.....................put it???

[dan]

now i've heard of being desperate before. but saying to yourself... "look at that picnic table. it's just been asking for it."

[Barnum004]

I just think that not enough is being done to protect our patio furniture from sexual predators.

[Doug]

He must have had a heck of a woody.