Remote patrol weekend

She's smart, quick on her feet and cool under pressure. She's the consummate broadcaster. So how is CNBC's Maria Bartiromo referred to by the male-dominated financial press? "The Money Honey!" Well, maybe this will make up for that sorry moniker: Beginning at 6 tonight, she gets her own show, "Market Week With Maria Bartiromo," on CNBC. It airs live from the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, where the scene will be much calmer than it is during the day, and Bartiromo won't have to shout or elbow for space like she usually does. But don't expect "Market Week" to be too solemn in tone. The show, which features interviews with Wall Street insiders and a review of the week's financial news, is clearly aimed at viewers looking for an alternative to Louis Rukeyser's PBS gabfest, "Wall Street Week" (9 tonight, Channel 19). Rukeyser looks like the kind of guy who would be knocked to the ground within two minutes of stepping onto a trading floor. And probably by an elbow from Maria Bartiromo. @ART CAPTION:Bartiromo @ART:Photo >>>

Smiley still waiting for his time; Stardom eludes BET host who keeps the issues out front

In January, with the Democratic presidential race still up for grabs, contenders Bill Bradley and Al Gore met in Des Moines, Iowa, for a debate on racial issues that was carried nationally by MSNBC. At one point the moderator, Tavis Smiley, started to ask a question about judicial appointments. Just then a protester stood up in the audience. "I'd like to know what your plans are to stop global warming," said the protester. "It's an issue that truly affects us all." Smiley didn't miss a beat. "See, I get my 15 minutes and this is what happens to me," he said. Then, to the unwelcome intruder, he said, "You're on my time." The scene perfectly captured the dilemma faced by Smiley, host of Black Entertainment Television's "BET Tonight" (10 p.m. Monday-Thursday) and commentator on Tom Joyner's syndicated morning radio show (heard locally on KNRX-FM, 107.3). Despite being one of the most recognized African-American personalities on TV, Smiley - who is speaking at 7:30 tonight in Lawrence at the University of Kansas student union - has not enjoyed the kind of wider attention that's come more easily to other cable TV stars (think Jimmy Kimmel). Judging by his irritated "15 minutes" quip, he knows it, too. Part of the problem is that TV is a "cool" medium, in media visionary Marshall McLuhan's classic term. But Smiley is "hot"; he's intense and passionate about the things he believes in. Unlike most media personalities, Smiley has a political agenda and is not shy about promoting it on "BET Tonight." Tavis Smiley's plan includes recognition not only for himself but also for the issues that he says concern most African-Americans. He's outlined many of those in his new book, Doing What's Right: How to Fight for What You Believe - And Make a Difference. One chapter is devoted to a highly publicized protest Smiley led last year against CompUSA after he learned the computer retailer was not advertising on minority media. At Smiley's urging, thousands of black and Hispanic customers mailed in their receipts toCompUSA as a show of the spending power they were prepared to take elsewhere. In the end CompUSA officials met with Smiley and agreed to start advertising with black- and Hispanic-owned media outlets. The irony, Smiley says, is that after CompUSA made that pledge, it was bought out by Grupo Sanborns, a Mexican retail group. "It's just like my grandfather said: The toes you step on today may be connected to the behind you have to kiss tomorrow," Smiley said. His current crusade is to get African-Americans to fill out their census forms. Today he and Joyner wrap up a blistering two-week, 42-city tour to promote Census 2000. (Because of that, Smiley asked KU to move the time of his talk tonight from 5 to 7:30.) Our phone interview took place in February, in the thick of Black History Month. Q: Some of your admirers call you "the anti-Rush Limbaugh." I found that an interesting comparison, because Limbaugh always likes to say he's an entertainer, first and foremost, so you shouldn't take his political message seriously. That doesn't sound like something you would say. Smiley: That's not me. As a matter of fact, I also abhor being called a journalist, because that presupposes that one has proclivity toward fairness and balance, or at least a duty toward that. What you can call me is an advocate. I have ideas and I have strongly held opinions. I'm an advocate who happens to be on radio and television. I've heard Rush say he's an entertainer, too, but that's not what he means. He does take himself seriously. He does want to make a difference. He wants his listeners to vote the way he does and feel the way he does. He doesn't divorce himself emotionally from what he believes. Talk radio is the fastest growing medium in the U.S. and it's because people tune in to hear announcers say what they want to hear. So what Mr. Limbaugh says and what he believes are completely different. This country was built on advocacy. That's why I wrote my new book. This book is about challenging all Americans to recognize that ordinary people can do extraordinary things - particularly when we embrace advocacy. For those who want to make their communities better places to live and work, for people who want to make a difference, this is a handbook for them. Because we get to a place where like Popeye says, "I understands all I could and I can't stands no more." We all get to that point in our lives sometime. Q: Do you think the big issues were addressed by the candidates during the primaries? Smiley: I think the issues that are important to most of America are being addressed by the candidates at some level: education, the economy - how to keep this situation going, although I'm inclined to believe that the good times don't last for long. The bad times don't, either, but we need to be prepared for them. What's not being addressed are issues important to people of color. Immigration. Affirmative action. Public education. Racial profiling. Who are they going to appoint to the Supreme Court. That issue's important to white people as well as people of color, but what we want to know is are they going to appoint more Thurgood Marshalls or more Clarence Thomases? Q: Now that the four networks have signed their diversity pledges to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, what, if anything, was accomplished? Smiley: That remains to be seen. I read somewhere that (NAACP head) Kweise Mfume said, "The network heads are not Lincoln and we are not slaves." The deal we worked out is not about emancipation. There's no cure-all here. The point is getting the networks to be more sensitive to diversity and to portray that reality on screen. For all who say this is a ridiculous issue for the NAACP to be focused on, I think the fact that the NAACP has reached a pretty monumental agreement with the networks shows that it meant something. Image does matter. People of color want to be more accurately depicted. I mean, how could a show like "Seinfeld" have taken place in New York City, and ain't no black people on the show? What people in New York City live like that? To reach Aaron Barnhart, phone (816) 234-4790 or visit the TV Barn Web site at www.tvbarn.com @ART:Photo (color, uncaptioned) >>>

Remote patrol

"Wonderland" (9 tonight, Channel 9) is a new ABC drama that asks the question: What if "NYPD Blue" took place in a psychiatric hospital? "NYPD Blue" fans will recognize the bob-and-weave camerawork and the up-close-and-personal portraits of the dedicated professionals working at Rivervue Hospital (named for the show's obvious inspiration, New York's Bellevue). The sporadic bursts of violence and temper seem well-rehearsed as well. "Wonderland" is also a very talky show. But unlike "NYPD Blue," it has no vernacular. There is at least one sympathetic character here - Ted Levine as the head shrink - and a couple of interesting ones, including "Homicide" alumna Michelle Forbes. But none of these people has a distinct voice yet. And given the perilous time period for "Wonderland," up against "ER," it may not have much time to develop one. Less interesting is Billy Burke's character - not so much because of him but because his psycho girlfriend reminds me a lot of the psycho girlfriend on last week's new show, "The Beat," which in turn reminds me that too many TV scripts are written by guys. @ART CAPTION:A distraught patient (Giancarlo Esposito, left) has a floorside chat with the head shrink (Ted Levine) on tonight's "Wonderland." @ART:Photo >>>

Remote patrol

The phone hasn't exactly been ringing off the hook with viewers wanting to know, "What happened to Knowledge TV?" But we're going to tell you anyway: It's toast. The quasi-educational cable channel, started up by the founder of Jones Intercable, became a lame duck after Jones sold its cable systems to Comcast in 1998. A few months later Knowledge TV was sold to Discovery, which put the channel on hiatus - nothing but reruns. Meanwhile, Discovery was quietly pitching cable operators to put Discovery Health in the channel space set aside for Knowledge. In Kansas City, one out of two cable operators bit: This weekend Comcast will replace Knowledge TV with Discovery Health. But Time Warner Cable, which already offers Fox's Health Network to its digital customers, had other plans. It replaced Knowledge TV with ESPN2. >>>

Memo

Cerner acquisition Cerner Corp. has reached a definitive agreement to acquire Mitch Cooper & Associates, a Virginia-based provider of consulting services related to medical supplies. The acquired company will be renamed Cooper Associates after completion of the deal, which is scheduled to close Monday. Financial details were not disclosed. Cerner, based in North Kansas City, is a developer of software for managing health information. - Julius A. Karash/The Star KMBC news director Television station KMBC has announced the appointment of Michael Sipes as news director. Sipes, who formerly was at WLKY in Louisville, Ky., replaces Brian Bracco, now a group vice president for news at Hearst-Argyle Television, which owns both stations. Sipes was a news director in Jackson, Miss. Before that, he produced newscasts for KCTV in Kansas City, KYTV in Springfield and KMIZ in Columbia. - Aaron Barnhart/The Star Aquila executive A UtiliCorp United Inc. executive has been named senior vice president of finance for Aquila Energy Corp. Dan Streek, who was UtiliCorp's assistant controller, will report to Peter Lowe, UtiliCorp's chief financial officer. Aquila is a UtiliCorp subsidiary. Streek fills a position left vacant when another executive took a position with UtiliCorp when Aquila moved to Kansas City. - Steve Everly/The Star >>>

Remote patrol

Some people may accuse Bill Moyers of acting as national killjoy with his new PBS report, "Surviving the Good Times" (8 tonight on Channel 19). But the pointed title is designed to make us think. We are less than a decade removed from the last major recession. Another one could be around the corner. And if workers who were forced into lower-paying service jobs are barely scraping by now, where will they go in the next downturn? "Surviving the Good Times" is actually Part 3 of a serial that Moyers began in 1992 and continued in 1995 about two families whose breadwinners lost their manufacturing jobs. The early part of the program reviews where the families (one white, one black) stood in 1991, then fast-forward to 1993. Newer footage completes the two sagas. The story of the Neumanns (the white family) will seem depressingly familiar to viewers of the PBS miniseries "The Farmer's Wife," with its themes of role reversal and male rage. The more resilient Stanleys offer hope, but that fabled "financial peace of mind" you hear about on TV commercials seems a long way off for both families. @ART CAPTION:Claude and Jackie Stanley, one of the couples profiled by Moyers tonight @ART:Photo (color) >>>

New Oscar producers' efforts hardly up to speed

As the 72nd Academy Awards broadcast sputtered past the one-hour mark, presenter Kate Blanchett was heard invoking "Hamlet": "Brevity is the soul of wit," said she, and no, it certainly wasn't a reference to the show. In their first turn at producing the Oscar telecast, Richard D. and Lili Fini Zanuck had spent the last month promising America that this year's Oscars would be shorter than last year's four-hour march. Well, it wasn't shorter, and it definitely wasn't any wittier. The Zanucks compressed certain elements of the broadcast and eliminated others. And perhaps sensing the show would run long anyway, they tried their darndest to keep the screen as busy as possible. The Oscars are not known for being visually ambitious, but this one had floating graphics, shots from backstage, multiple views and a lighted floor that looked like a reject from "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." The telecast got off to a hopeful start with yet another sensational opening montage of movie clips featuring host, Billy Crystal, dropped "Zelig"-like into scenes from "The Exorcist," "Casablanca," "The Graduate" (in drag) and many others. But that was followed by a less illustrious tradition: Crystal singing his usual five musical parodies to the year's five best picture nominees, including a baffling tribute to Michael Caine done to a two-generation-old Broadway tune from "Mame." It was that way the rest of the night. For every lively or captivating moment - such as Caine's heartfelt tribute to his fellow nominees for best supporting actor - there were ponderous ordeals like the segment featuring world history as seen through the lens of Hollywood. That marathon clip reel brought to mind a line from "Macbeth": It was "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." The Zanucks did solve the evening's thorniest problem: how to feature best song nominee "Blame Canada," a foul-mouthed tune from the R-rated cartoon "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut." They turned it into an uproarious, over-the-top musical number led by Robin Williams, who added a censor's touch by entering with a piece of duct tape over his mouth. But too often the program bogged down under the weight of its own gravitas, such as Warren Beatty's windy acceptance speech on receiving the Irving Thalberg Award. The Zanucks didn't help themselves by using announcer Peter Coyote, whose deadpan delivery invited comparisons to sitcom star Norm Macdonald. Only when Macdonald does it, he's trying to be funny. Going into one commercial break, Coyote told us what was coming next: "Oscar winner Burt Bacharach leads an all-star musical salute to past Oscar-nominated songs." Oh boy! Can't wait! Maybe it's just that we have seen all there is to see from Crystal, head writer Bruce Vilanch and the others who have been the brains behind most Oscar telecasts of the past decade. Crystal now belongs to the upper tier of venerable Academy Award ceremony hosts. But unlike Bob Hope or Johnny Carson, Crystal is not a Hollywood icon, which may explain why, for someone who's been doing it so long, his grip on the Oscars seems unusually tenuous. To reach Aaron Barnhart, call (816) 234-4790 or visit the TV Barn Web site at www.tvbarn.com >>>

Remote patrol

TNN is crowing about having the world premiere rights to MGM's new animated version of "Tom Sawyer," which hits the video stores next week. This country-music-tinged version of the Mark Twain tale will have its television debut at 7 tonight on TNN. But don't be surprised if you're disoriented by the opening scene, in which a giant wolf breaks into a rural church frequented by pigs and makes off with the collection box. And don't hurt yourself trying to fathom the senseless plot and inane cartoon slapstick of this movie, in which all the parts are played by cute critters. Perhaps the grown-ups should listen to the soundtrack instead. It features cuts from Mark Wills, Lee Ann Womack, Charlie Daniels and Rhett Akins (who all have speaking parts in "Tom Sawyer"). @ART CAPTION:Tom Sawyer (voiced by Rhett Akins) and his sweetie, Becky thatcher (Lee Ann Womack). @ART:Photo (color) >>>

No man is an island; But area man could've won a million by surviving on one

Whoever emerges as the $1 million winner on CBS' bizarre new reality show "Survivor" will likely need the coping skills of a mountain man and the political savvy of a party boss. It won't be retired contractor B.B. Andersen of Mission Hills - though he came tantalizingly close. Andersen survived a battery of interviews, psychological exams and the all-important screen test and was one of 16 finalists flown earlier this month to a remote tropical island off the coast of Borneo. Among thousands of applicants, Andersen was among the elite who got to play the game that's been described as MTV's "Real World" meets "Lord of the Flies." The castaways were dropped off on the island March 13 with little more than the clothes on their backs. Their assignment: stay alive and find a way to live together for nearly seven weeks. With well-fed TV crews shadowing their every move, the contestants relied on one another for shelter and food. But the winds shifted from cooperative to cutthroat as they competed against one another in beach games and other challenges. The winners got to enjoy such desert-island luxuries as a pillow or a cold beer; the losers looked on enviously. But those are picnic games compared with "Survivor's" ultimate test. Every three days the competitors form a "council" and, by secret ballot, vote one of their group off the island. The last person left - no doubt someone gifted with a combination of strength and schmooze - will collect the million-dollar prize when the ordeal ends, sometime at the end of April. CBS won't like us telling you this, but Andersen arrived back in town Wednesday night, according to a source close to Andersen. The network, which made all contestants sign agreements promising to keep the outcome of "Survivor" a secret, wouldn't grant interviews even with family members. (Jan Andersen, B.B.'s wife, politely declined comment to the reporter who knocked at their High Drive home in Mission Hills.) We'll all get to see what happened to Andersen and the 15 other contestants beginning in late May or early June, when "Survivor" starts its 13-week run on CBS. What CBS will say is this: B.B. Andersen was among eight men and eight women chosen from more than 6,000 people who applied last fall to be contestants on "Survivor." At 64 he was the second-oldest competitor, behind a 72-year-old ex-Navy SEAL. The record also shows that Andersen, a tall, rugged-looking Topeka native, was a successful commercial contractor. His B.B. Andersen Cos. worked on the library at the University of Kansas Medical Center and the executive park at Tiffany Springs. Some of Andersen's friends were thrilled about his adventure, but others questioned his sanity. Why would a man with a wife and young daughter want to risk his neck in the tropical heat, eating nuts and berries and dodging poisonous snakes? Does a man with a $700,000 house need a million dollars? We put those questions to Bill Fromm, head of Barkley Evergreen & Partners advertising agency and a longtime friend of Andersen's, who helped him put together his "Survivor" application. Fromm answered with a rhetorical question of his own: "Why did he sail across the Atlantic Ocean in a sailboat? If you know B.B., it's because it was just something to do." Whatever his motivation, Billy Byron Andersen must have seemed like a dream come true to the show's producers, who were under orders from CBS to find a contestant pool that was diverse in age as well as race and gender. They must have pinched themselves when they learned that Andersen skis regularly, takes off-road motorcycle trips and just built a log cabin in Colorado. By himself. "B.B. is one of the true characters of our time," said Kansas Senate President Dick Bond, who met him in the 1980s, when Andersen was a Republican fund-raiser. "He's probably suited for this kind of unique experience." Of those friends and acquaintances The Star interviewed, none had trouble believing Andersen wouldn't do well in the contests, held about every day, that involved physical skill or strength. Over and over they mentioned Andersen's toughness, his love of the outdoors and his macho pursuit of new challenges. CBS wasn't about to give away such details about the taping of "Survivor." But The Star contacted several viewers of another version of the show, called "Expedition Robinson," which has been airing for three years on Swedish TV. The Swedish version featured an "island Olympics" with events such as the long jump and 50-meter hurdles; obstacle-course runs; and "crab races" not unlike a Calaveras County jumping-frog contest. The prizes for these games are either simple luxuries, like food or drink; or an "immunity reward," which ensures that your peers can't remove you from the island on the next secret ballot. The show's producers insist, however, that "Survivor" is only "two parts physical endurance" but "eight parts social politics." A contestant who does well in the beach games, yet fails to share his spoils with others, could be ousted. Someone with mediocre talents and a winning personality, however, could end up the last survivor. That may have been Andersen's stumbling block. "If he thinks he's right on something, or that someone else is wrong, he can be firm and outspoken, sometimes brutally outspoken," says former Kansas Gov. Bob Bennett, a longtime friend and fishing partner. "You would not want to hire him as secretary of state." But they also say Andersen is adaptable, even charming. He proved that when CBS began promoting the "Survivor" contestant search last October. Knowing that thousands would apply, Andersen wanted an eye-catching presentation that would land him an interview with the show's producers. So he enlisted a friend in the media. Andersen and Fromm put together a fancy "survival kit" that looked like something Barkley & Evergreen would pitch to a potential client. Into the colorful-looking box went Andersen's application and questionnaire, cased in a three-ring binder; the videotape applicants were to make of themselves, but done with real TV equipment, not a camcorder; and three survival tools. Fromm said, "There was a question: 'If you could take only three items, what would they be?' So we actually put those items in." (Before departure, the producers chose one of the three for Andersen to take with him: a beach towel.) Andersen made the cut of 800 applicants, then talked his way into the round of 48 semi-finalists flown to Los Angeles. There, CBS says the hopefuls took physical and psychological exams, as well as another checkup on their criminal and civil pasts. The network didn't want the next Rick Rockwell on its hands. When Andersen got the call informing him he'd made finalist, friends gave him a suitable send-off. About 40 of them held a bon voyage party at - of all places - the chimp house at the Kansas City Zoo. The party site was a sly reference to the exotic monkeys said to live on the island, set in the Malaysian state of Sabah. But some of Andersen's friends have heard stories about poisonous snakes on the island. And then there's the story of a contestant on the Swedish version who killed himself not long after being voted off the island. But a CBS spokesman said medical crews are on standby at all times, and the TV crew won't hesitate to step in at the first sign of danger. Also, mental health professionals visited with the finalists, and everyone was trained in island safety before the contest started. Besides, the name of the show is "Survivor," not "Deliverance." Staff writers Laura Hockaday and Dan Margolies contributed to this article. Visit Aaron Barnhart's TV Barn Web site at www.tvbarn.com @ART:Graphic (color illustration) @ART CREDIT:Knight Ridder Tribune @ART CAPTION:Sixteen people will be marooned on a deserted island in the South China Sea to compete for $1 million on CBS' new reality show "Survivor." B.B. Andersen of Mission Hills is standing in the back row, third from the left. @ART CREDIT:CBS @ART CAPTION:Andersen @ART:Photos (2, color and b/w) >>>

Remote patrol weekend

In the next few weeks, "Making the Band" will show the real-life evolution of a new "boy band" - those post-teen sensations that sing in five-part harmony. Tonight's episode, airing at 8 on ABC (Channel 9), shows highlights from a nationwide search and the selection of 25 finalists, who are whittled down by show's end to just eight. Judging from the first episode, "Making the Band" appears to be the latest in a disturbing trend of so-called "reality TV" shows that don't play fair with the viewer. The band is being put together by impresario Lou Pearlman, who created the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync out of his studios in Orlando. But it's clear Pearlman laid down some terms in exchange for letting the cameras in. Though he is a constant presence on the show, the focus is never really on Pearlman. Instead, the camera has an endless fascination with these young men talking about their hopes and dreams. I was hoping for a lot more insight into Pearlman: why he thinks the world needs yet another boy band and what he thinks about having so much power over these aspiring crooners. "Making the Band" is co-produced by MTV, noted for celebrity-worshipping programs like "TRL" and "Fanatic" - and it certainly shows here. @ART CAPTION:A group of hunky hopeful boy-banders @ART:Photo >>>

Remote patrol

Tonight NBC tries out two new sitcoms in its Thursday "hammocks" (a word to describe anything scheduled among "Friends," "Frasier" and "ER," where even a cooking show could probably get a 20 share). "Daddio" (7:30, Channel 41) features four cute kids, a grumpy neighbor and a Mr. Mom. It's an NBC sitcom that feels like an NBC sitcom. So why didn't I hate this show? Maybe it has something to do with Michael Chiklis (aka "The Commish") as the stay-at-home father. And because the kids didn't fulfill my worst expectations of them. They're actually seen a lot more than heard. But the real pleasure, and the best thing so far this midseason, is "Battery Park" (8:30, Channel 41), which brings the punchy joke writing of "Spin City" into a loopy police precinct reminiscent of "Barney Miller." Not only do all of the regulars begin clicking in the first episode, but by the second episode - in which one of the cops begins dating a mobster's daughter - even the guest stars are reeling off pitch-perfect lines. @ART CAPTION:The 'Battery Park crew' @ART:Photo (color) >>>

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"Then Came You" (7:30 tonight, Channel 9) was scheduled to be on ABC's fall schedule in a dreaded Thursday-night time slot. But then it was pulled in favor of a second airing of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" Through that lucky break, this mediocre comedy about a hotel romance has wound up on Wednesday nights, where it's perfectly matched with "Two Guys and a Girl," another so-so sitcom that's fared far better than it deserves. Susan Floyd plays the 30-something divorcee who falls for the 20-something Thomas Newton, her room-service waiter. She does a lot of worrying over the age gap between herself and her beau. Which is odd, since she plays such a dithering ding-dong here that you start to wonder why she worries. It's not like there's a maturity gap between them. @ART CAPTION:Newton and Floyd @ART:Photo (color) >>>

Remote patrol

Even if I hadn't known that it was coming from the production shop of Tom Fontana and Barry Levinson, whose previous hits include "Homicide" and "Oz," I still would have found "The Beat" a big disappointment. The new UPN cop show (8 tonight on Channel 29) tells the story of two young, impossibly good-looking members of New York's finest (Derek Cecil and Mark Ruffalo) whose personal lives may be in as much disarray as the mopes they haul in. It looked promising in the promos, but almost from the get-go it's one downer after the next. Certainly it raises, or rather lowers, the bar for the number of times the cops say words you couldn't say even in late night five years ago. Worse, every one of the four leads - the screwed-up cops and their mismatched girlfriends - has something to hate about them. @ART CAPTION:Ruffalo @ART:Photo (color) >>>

Behold, or is it beware, the shows of March

You asked for fewer reruns, and now you're getting them - in the form of new TV shows. Television's "midseason," an elastic term to describe those shows that debut between Christmas and Memorial Day, resumes this week when six new series air in five days on four networks. Instead of repeats of "Jesse" and "Stark Raving Mad" - two less-than-must-see sitcoms - NBC is serving up "Daddio" and "Battery Park" on Thursday. The four other shows won't get nearly that good a window, although ABC probably will draw a large teen crowd Friday for its newest "TGIF" addition, "Making the Band." This reality series follows the evolution of an actual boy band as it is put together by boy-band impresario Lou Pearlman (he put together Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync). As for Fox, which didn't have a hit show until January with "Malcolm in the Middle," it introduces another boundary-pushing comedy tonight that it hopes scores with audiences. "Titus" mixes the dysfunctional monologues of comic Christopher Titus with the herky-jerky sitcom style of the show's lead-in, "That '70s Show." UPN, which redefined itself this season as the network of aggressive young males with its pro-wrestling hit "WWF Smackdown," introduces a young-male cop show Tuesday, "The Beat." It's from the shop of Tom Fontana and Barry Levinson, the producers of "Homicide" and "Oz." Reviews of these shows will appear throughout the week in FYI. Check out the Remote Patrols on the TV page, starting with "Titus" today. @ART CAPTION:Christopher Titus stars in "Titus," which has its premiere tonight. @ART:Photo @ART CREDIT:Fox >>>

Remote patrol

Add the name of Christopher Titus to the pile of stand-up comedians whose stage act has become a sitcom. But in adapting his bleak autobiographical one-man play, "Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding," for television, Fox may have lightened up too much in "Titus," which has its debut at 7:30 tonight on Channel 4. Carrying over the one-man-play motif, Titus often speaks directly to the camera in black-and-white cutaways. (We've already seen this gimmick on ABC's "Once and Again," but at least this time it doesn't feel like a soap commercial.) Titus runs a custom car shop, because, as he tells us in one of the asides, "What most people want is a normal life and a cool car. Most people settle for the car." Stacy Keach plays his dad, a mean old hombre who seems to have stepped out of a Johnny Cash song. Married five times, he rides his boys sadistically so they won't be "wussies." Along the way he's pulled down their pants (yep, there's male nudity), beaten them and insulted them at seemingly every chance. Yet tonight's episode goes to extremes to convince us he's just a lovable lunk. If this had been HBO, we would've learned what Titus really thought of his old man. Now that might've been worth watching. @ART CAPTION:Keach @ART:Photo (color) >>>

Remote patrol

KSHB will once again carry the Kansas City St. Patrick's Day Parade beginning at noon on Channel 41. Also the History Channel is setting aside its fascination with German oppressors to replay themed specials about the once sorely oppressed Irish. Among the programs is a serviceable history of "The Irish in America," narrated by Aidan Quinn, at 5 tonight, followed by a "History of St. Patrick's Day" at 7 . Ending the day, you can always catch late night's favorite Irish-American performer on NBC's "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" (11:35, Channel 41); Conan is also featured on "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" (10, Cartoon Network). @ART CAPTION:O'Brien @ART:Photo >>>

Remote patrol

One of my favorite times of the year is the NCAA men's basketball tournament, which begins today with the first of two daylong marathons of action from the opening round of 64. CBS coverage starts at 11 a.m. today and Friday on Channel 5. It's not just the potential for momentous upsets. Nor is it merely the way sudden elimination can make losers out of future NBA picks and instant heroes out of little-known hoopsters. It's also the singularity of the CBS production: 10 hours a day covering all 32 first-round games, with a flurry of cutaways, "live look-ins" and highlights unmatched on this scale anywhere else on broadcast TV. Also tonight, "Conversations in World Cinema" interviews filmmaker Mike Leigh ("Secrets and Lies," "Topsy-Turvy") at 8 on Sundance Channel (available on Time Warner channel 209; Comcast channel 33). @ART CAPTION:Two of Leigh's tricks to keeping his films fresh: keep the main characters ignorant of the entire plot and encourage improvisation. @ART:Photo (color) >>>

Remote patrol

A reader called the other week to ask, "What is it with the Discovery Channel? One minute they're showing a nature special, and it seems like the next minute they're talking about how great this aircraft is or how powerful this weapon is. It's like an advertisement for the military. Isn't that what the History Channel is supposed to be doing?" The ways of Discovery have perplexed even hardened TV critics. But it's easier if you think of not one Discovery channel but several: Discovery Networks also owns The Learning Channel, The Travel Channel, Animal Planet and the four Discovery breakouts on Time Warner's new digital cable service. With so many thematics, the main Discovery can afford to be more general. Hence the abrupt shifts from, say, tonight's "Your New House" at 5 to "Wild Discovery" at 6 to "Tunnels: Digging In" at 7. Discovery has also found that it can attract more eyeballs if it packages several new and repeated programs along a particular theme - say, the military - and then heavily promote it. It's annoying to viewers who would rather be watching nature programs. But then that's why the cable gods made Animal Planet. >>>

Remote patrol

Do my eyes deceive me? Is it a full evening of Fox network entertainment without a police chase, a motorcycle stunt, Ally McBeal or an instant wedding? Yes, and there will be more where that's coming from. With a new executive in charge of Fox promising to dial down the exploitative junk that has defined the network since, well, since the beginning, you can expect to see more traditional sitcoms such as "That '70s Show" (7 tonight, Channel 4), one of the few bright spots for Fox this season; and dramas like "Party of Five" (8 p.m.). Of course, if the replacement for "Party of Five" (which is signing off after this season) bombs next fall hello, "World's Wildest Police Videos"! In related news, if you thought "Family Guy" (7:30 tonight, Channel 4) was off the air a long time, you'll have an even longer wait for the return of another animated sitcom, "The PJs." Fox recently opted not to renew the Eddie Murphy-produced series, so the WB will be picking it up next season. @ART CAPTION:Sisters Julia (Neve Campbell, left) and Claudia (Lacey Chabert) discuss ways to help brother Charlie (Matthew Fox) buy a furniture factory on tonight's "Party of Five." @ART:Photo (color) >>>

Remote patrol

Envy your friends in Olathe, Independence and other communities served by Kansas City's No. 2 cable operator, Comcast: Thanks to the inclusion of the TV Land channel (a Nick at Nite spin-off) on the Comcast system, they'll get to see the original 1953 version of "The Laugh Maker," starring Jackie Gleason and Art Carney, at 9 tonight as part of TV Land's weeklong tribute to "The Honeymooners" and its cast. "The Laugh Maker," which was produced for the CBS live anthology series "Studio One," stars Gleason as a tortured comic and Carney as the magazine writer sent out to profile him. There are some interesting parallels to Gleason's own meteoric TV career here, but the acting and the so-so story line take a backseat to the show's breathtaking production values. This is one to tape and rewind, just so you can take in some of the more dramatic camera angles while asking yourself, "How did they do that on live television?" @ART CAPTION:Gleason (left) with Carney in their 'Laugh Maker' days @ART:Photo >>>