Remote patrol

If, as Napoleon Bonaparte once said, "My life is a novel," the new four-hour PBS special "Napoleon" is a sweeping, beautifully illustrated, overly long, turgidly written, nearly impenetrable yawner of a novel. It's a massive coffee-table miniseries, the kind meant to be shown off rather than actually consumed. "Napoleon," airing in two parts beginning at 8 tonight on Channel 19, is expertly narrated (as usual) by David McCullough. Part 1, however, plods unimaginatively through Bonaparte's ascent in the French military. The only relief comes when the program explores Bonaparte's peculiar insider-outsider status in French society (he was born in Corsica and began life as a Francophobe). By contrast, the season premiere of "South Park" (9, Comedy Central), is a trashy novella lacking even an iota of historical import or social uplift, to say nothing of good taste. And I ate it up. Send the kiddies out of the room and watch as the "South Park" gang enter the fourth grade kicking and screaming and other things I can't describe in print. Watch as their new teacher shows off a couple more things I can't describe in print. And find out what personal breakthrough their old teacher, Mr. Garrison, makes while stuck in a petrified tree. @ART CAPTION:Meet the new fourth grade teacher on "South Park" tonight. @ART:Photo (color) >>>