Sizing up best commercials

Remember when the only "story line" on Super Bowl Sunday was which set of longnecks would win the Bud Bowl? Now everything's a story line. CBS' three-hour pre-game show Sunday was an unending conga line of story lines. To say it sated my curiosity about Super Bowl XXXV is an understatement. I could only think of one story line CBS didn't cover: Why weren't Dick Enberg and Dan Dierdorf calling the game? So with all that silly football out of the way, I concentrated on the story lines supplied by our friends in the advertising community. Would Pepsi remain the choice of a new generation? Would Ruffles help us cope with the Florida election fiasco? And was there ever a more self-absorbed television network than MTV? Some of the million-dollar stories we saw for the first time last night: MasterCard. Story line: Sotheby's meets "Sesame Street" as an auctioneer sells off the letter B, the color red and gravity. Message: For everything else, charge it. Hidden message: Like that Alan Greenspan dude says, debt is cool. Ruffles. Story line: Actors who sort of look like the Broward County chad-counters scrutinize the Flavor Rush snack. Message: Our new chips are "completely covered with flavor." Hidden message: It was them or a Katherine Harris look-alike. E*Trade. Story lines: A year ago, the online broker's Super Bowl ad featured a man who had money "coming out the wazoo." This year, E*Trade toned down the rhetoric, playing to people's fears instead. In one ad, an older man fakes a heart attack to get out of paying a restaurant bill; in another, a monkey sheds tears for all those e-companies gone bye-bye. Message: Invest wisely. Hidden message: Yes, we're a dot-com, but we're going to give you a finance lesson anyway. Hunkeler Eye Centers. Story line: "Survivor" castoff B.B. Andersen touts the virtues of laser eye surgery. Message: "The way I look at it," he says, "these glasses cost me a million bucks." Hidden message: Well, that and using the team soup pot as a laundromat. Cingular. Story line: The wireless phone venture of SBC and BellSouth aired a slew of ads to show off its new name and logo. One uses the words of Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech; another tells the inspiring story of painter Dan "King Gimp" Keplinger. Message: Everyone has something to say. Hidden message: What this has to do with cell phones is a mystery to me, too. Snickers Cruncher. Story line: Two extra-clever ads showing people taking out their hostilities on life's little annoyances, like noisy car alarms and people who say "Whassaaaap?!" The message: Crunch a Snickers instead. The hidden message: Chocolate brings inner peace. Pepsi, Part 1. Story line: Stuck on a subway ride from hell, boy drinks a cool Pepsi and dreams of being whisked away by bikini babes. Then his fellow subway riders crash his dream. Message: After further review, I haven't a clue what this ad is trying to say. Hidden message: Other people are creepy. Pepsi, Part 2. Story line: Boy watches as Pepsi machine mysteriously disappears, realizes it's swiped by inmates at a nearby prison. Message: Without our favorite cola, 20-to-life just isn't worth living. Hidden message: Coke is for guys in solitary. Pepsi, Part 3. Story line: In the night's most brilliant spoof, Bob Dole, the politico-turned-pitchman, speaks frankly about his "faithful little blue friend" that helps him feel "vital" and "vigorous." Message: Pepsi will make you feel young again. Hidden message: Next year, we're using Clinton. Pepsi, Part 4. Story line: Garry Kasparov insults the chess computer he's just beaten; a Pepsi machine takes revenge. Message: See Part 1. Hidden message: Now we're stealing old Woody Allen routines. Schwab. Story line: Sarah Ferguson, the Divorcee of York, tells a young girl the fractured fairy tale of her storybook marriage - and its tabloid conclusion. Message: You're never too young to learn the value of investing. Hidden message: Don't do a TV ad with a cute kid unless you like being upstaged. Doritos. Story line: Ali Landry reprises her role as the chip-catching babe but is knocked flat by an improved Dorito. Message: Kraft isn't the only one that's cheesier. Hidden message: We couldn't afford to bring that "Will & Grace" guy back. Bud Light. Story lines: Two ads portray men as beer-swigging imbeciles and women as their better half. One hilariously revives a vaudeville gag as Cedric the Entertainer accidentally douses his date with a shaken-up Bud Light. In the other, a guy stuffs his dog with leftovers so he can fit his beer in the fridge. Message: Men, we must have our refreshments. Hidden message: Ladies, this Bud's for you. Monster.com. Story line: A new employee snorts his freshly minted business cards. Message: I found my job through this cool Web site. Hidden message: Compared to a double-murder charge, what's a little drug humor? FedEx. Story line: An ill-chosen replacement part on a recliner has people being launched from their homes. Message: We'll get the right parts to you pronto. Hidden message: When it comes to funny ads, FedEx bows to no one. Levi. Story line: Paramedics rush a pair of worn 569 blue jeans from a "donor" to a "recipient." Message: These are not new jeans. Hidden message: When it comes to tasteless ads, Levi's bows to no one. EDS. Story line: After last year's Wild West Kitty Roundup, Ross Perot's old company topped itself with a Pamplona-esque Running of the Squirrels. Message: In a sense, this is what we do. Hidden message: Now we're stealing "Monty Python" routines. Budweiser. Story line: The Whassaaaap Chronicles continue in two new ads. In one, three ridiculously unhip men drink imported beers and try to coin the catch phrase, "What are you doing?" In the other, a space alien returns to his home planet and teaches them to say "Whassaaaaaap?!" Message: Having a Bud, watching the game. Hidden message: We are going to beat this thing like a flea-infested rug. Dodge and Volkswagen. Story line: Both car companies debuted spots in which the punch line involves a red car falling out of a tree. Message: Here's something you've never seen before! Hidden message: One of us will be looking for a new ad agency tomorrow. Hotjobs.com. Story line: A ball bearing breaks away from an office doohickey and finds its way to a marble game, where it belongs. The pitch: Go where you belong. Hidden message: Kind of ironic that two of the three dot-com advertisers this year are aimed at the unemployed. You can reach Aaron Barnhart through the TV Barn Web site at www.tvbarn.com >>>