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For a minute there, I thought I'd accidentally tuned in PBS. Men in period costumes re-enacting the Declaration of Independence? The Boston Pops? Former presidents reciting the Gettysburg Address? But no, it was merely Fox's star-spangled prelude to the Super Bowl, capped off by a special live appearance by that great American, Paul McCartney. "America, we love youuuu!" said McCartney before urging the Superdome crowd to "Clap your hands for freedom!" He wasn't referring to the abstract notion of liberty, it turns out, but "Freedom," his new instantly forgettable single. Actually, we love Paul McCartney. And let's face it: There is no more perfect union of patriotism and salesmanship than the Super Bowl. This year the game was an exhilarating diversion from the four score and seven reasons we usually tune in - to watch the Super Bowl commercials. Though many previous Super advertisers passed on this year's bash (Cingular, Frito-Lay), and Fox had to scramble to sell all the available ads, there was still enough adver-tainment to make every dash for the bathroom a dilemma. If you have a strong bladder or TiVo, here's what you saw: E*Trade. Story line: The chimp who wept for failed dot coms in last year's E*Trade ad is the centerpiece of a goofy new commercial that opens with a Busby Berkeley musical number and ends with said primate being blasted into space. Message: Come see our new improved Web site. Hidden message: You just can't lose with a chimp. Michelob Light. Story line: "Age is just a state of mind," we're told as people in their 30s, 40s and older swim and play golf in between the customary video of beer sloshing into glasses. Except for a few well-hidden glasses, no one is seen drinking beer. Message: Make light beer part of your active lifestyle. Hidden message: Maybe this ridiculously single-minded pursuit of 20-something viewers wasn't such a good idea. Quizno's. Story line: In this coarse spoof of taste-test ads, a plump middle-aged woman chooses a toasted Quizno sub over untoasted. An unscrupulous researcher shoots her with a blow dart; she slumps into the unpreferred sandwich. Message: This is the only way you wouldn't pick our subs. Hidden message: It's OK to laugh at gun-related violence again. Spider-Man movie. Story line: Who cares? The knockout trailers for this movie have sold me on the live action Spidey, coming in May. By far the most impressive of the new-movie ads - and I've already seen the theater version. "Wow" is right. McDonald's. Story line: Boy in a Pop Warner game goes deep. The ball is thrown; does he catch it? Cut to same boy enjoying post-game meal at Mickey D's. Message: It doesn't matter whether he caught the ball. Hidden message: Ha, ha, ha, ha! We didn't mean that! H&R Block. Story line: The Coen brothers create a scene reminiscent of "The Hudsucker Proxy" as a droning tax official sits in a room of starched shirts, slowly reading off the 441 changes made this year to U.S. tax law. Message: More than ever, you need an expert to file your taxes. Hidden message: Do not question the creative genius that is the Coen brothers. Charles Schwab. Story line: Barry Bonds, at the ballpark, hears a still, small voice urging him to "walk into retirement." It's all-time home-run king Hank Aaron whispering into the PA system. Message: You can trust Schwab's advice. Hidden message: This won't be the last time you seen Hank and Barry together. Bud: In a hilarious sendup of Comedy Central's "BattleBots," a minifridge lures an evil-looking buzz saw into its trap with a bottle of beer. Message: Guys can't resist a Bud. Hidden message: When you think funny ads, think Budweiser. Bud, again. Story line: In contrast to the other four minutes of Anheuser-Busch advertising, this ad features the famous Clydesdales solemnly riding across the Brooklyn Bridge and into Battery Park, where they bow their heads before what was once the World Trade Center. Message: Never forget. Hidden message: This is why we're kicking Miller's rear. Pepsi. Story line: Britney Spears, the songbird of pop (music and soda), is dropped Zelig-like into a series of classic Pepsi ads in this dazzling 90-second commercial. Fans voted online for their favorite (the 1958 ad, to the tune of "Makin' Whoopee," won). Message: Pepsi and youth have always gone together. Hidden message: They're real. Monster.com. The online job-finder used one of its two spots so that former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani could thank Americans against a black and white tableau of New York. The Empire State Building looms in the background. Message: Thank you. Hidden message: None. AT&T Wireless. Story line: For weeks, the phone company has been behind a stealth campaign asking "What is mlife?" Several ads repeat the question until finally we're told the "m" stands for "mobile." Message: Wireless technology lets you stay in touch anywhere. Hidden message: And you thought those Cingular ads were cryptic. Visa. Story line: Kevin Bacon re-enacts the "six degrees of Kevin Bacon" movie game trying to get his check approved. Message: Use plastic instead. Hidden message: Remember me? Kevin Bacon? Lipton Brisk. Story line: It looks as if we've seen the last of clay-animated celebrities in iced-tea ads, as a Danny DeVito figure is "fired" from the set. Angry clay puppets retaliate, pelt Al Roker with eggs. Message: Lipton doesn't need clay figurines; it "sells itself." Hidden message: Remember me? Danny DeVito? Dockers. Story line: A room filled with men in skimpy black dresses who are agog at the guy wearing casual pants. Message: "Finally, guys have an answer to the little black dress." Hidden message: We thought "Nice Pants" wasn't opaque enough. Levi's. Story line: Young dude tries to act cool walking down the street, but his "flyweight jeans" are giving him a serious case of happy feet. Message: These are very lightweight pants. Hidden message: For best results, don't wear with a dirty undershirt. Visa. Story line: Olympic sprinters, Triple Crown horses and a NASCAR driver square off in a 100-yard dash. Message: You can't see these events without using your Visa. Hidden message: No matter the occasion, count on us to deliver a pointless ad. Yahoo. Story line: So this dolphin swims up to a guy and asks where he found out about this place. The guy says "Yahoo" and then asks, hey, where'd you learn to talk? "Yahoo," says the dolphin. Message: You can learn a lot of stuff at our Web site. Hidden message: This is one dot-com that learned to swim. You can reach Aaron Barnhart through the TV Barn Web site at www.tvbarn.com @ART CAPTION:The Super Bowl pre-game extravaganza included Paul McCartney singing his song "Freedom," part of the evening's patriotic theme. @ART:Photo @ART CREDIT:The Associated Press