An obsessive-compulsive detective: Sounds like something you'd see on PBS, doesn't it?

Adrian Monk is the germ-dodging, pillow-fluffing worrywart who somehow keeps his many neuroses at bay long enough to solve baffling crimes on "Monk," which has its premiere at 8 p.m. Friday on USA Network. Yes, Adam Sandler's favorite cable channel, the onetime home of professional wrestling and "Silk Stalkings," is muscling in on "Mystery!"-A&E turf with an old-fashioned whodunit. Too bad for USA, but "Monk" has more problems than a clean freak on a crowded school bus in flu season. Let's leave aside the show's low-grade sleuthing (think of those Encyclopedia Brown books you read as a kid). The more pressing problem is that "Monk" can't decide whether its lead character's medical condition should be played for laughs or empathy. The two-hour premiere begins with Monk at a murder scene, trying to concentrate. He can't, though, because he thinks he forgot to turn off the gas stove at home. Even though solving this case would get him reinstated to the police force, he keeps stopping to say things like, "I think I smell gas." Some people might find this offensive. I just find it annoying. Presenting a whimsical hero with psychological problems requires a light touch. This show's touch is leaden. Tony Shaloub, a familiar actor in broad comedies ("Wings," "GalaxyQuest"), seems unable to wring the required pathos from his sad plight (the OCD, we're told, came about after Monk witnessed his wife being killed by a car bomb). His emotions are sublimated in one general-purpose expression of vague discomfort, as though he was constipated. Monk's sidekick is his "nurse," Sharona (Bitty Schram), who no longer seems to provide any actual nursing care to him. At times she seems thrilled to be playing his girl Friday, so it's odd when, at other times, she's ready to dump him and go back to wearing scrubs. (An undiagnosed bipolar disorder, perhaps?) Inevitably, their relationship reaches a Dramatic Impasse, the kind one sees only on TV. Now, if USA brings back reruns of "Murder, She Wrote," PBS and A&E might have something to worry about. I'm about to reveal an extremely well-kept secret: Jeff Cesario, one of America's funniest human beings, appears on national television for several hours every week. Cesario is co-host, along with wisecracking columnist Norman Chad, of "Reel Classics," ESPN Classic's version of the "Million Dollar Movie" (8 p.m. Sundays). If you watch the main ESPN channel, you are regularly bombarded with promos touting the next "Reel Classic" movie, which sometimes is a classic ("Raging Bull"), often is just old (1942's "The Pride of the Yankees") and occasionally is an outright stinker ("Rocky V"). Most of these "Reel Classics" would be unwatchable if not for Cesario and Chad bantering after the breaks. Yet this dynamic duo never appears in the promos. Odd. "Tell me about it!" Cesario griped to me recently. "I've been on the gig 15 months now and I'm still trying to get them to use our freakin' names in the promos. Any promos. Anywhere." This week: Norm and Jeff get out their hankies for "Pride of the Yankees," with Gary Cooper in a sentimental role as ballplayer Lou Gehrig. "Big Brother" returns for a third season this week (8 p.m. Wednesdays, 7 p.m. Thursdays and Saturdays, CBS, Channel 5). In a conference call, the show's co-producer Arnold Shapiro vowed he would keep a stricter eye on the house liquor cabinet, so that "people play the game as themselves and not who they become when they drink." Shapiro, however, did not attempt to discourage viewers from drinking heavily while they watched "Big Brother." And now, you can vicariously experience the excitement of living in the Big Brother house. No, not by sitting on your couch all day - you already do that! I'm referring to the "Big Brother Fantasy League" at www.cbs.com. Players pick a four-person "team" from among the housemates, who will earn points in 10 categories during the game. CBS will post a "leader board" of the top fantasy players on its Web site. You think I'm making this stuff up. To reach Aaron Barnhart, phone (816) 234-4790 or visit the TV Barn Web site at www.tvbarn.com. RECOMMENDED SHOWS "Nightline Up Close," 12:35 a.m. Tuesday (late Monday), ABC, Channel 9. Ted Koppel interviews David Letterman on the first night of "Nightline's" new six-month spinoff. Definitely a VCR special. "NOW With Bill Moyers," 9 p.m., KCPT, Channel 19 (5 p.m. Sunday on Topeka's KTWU). This edition, "Islam v. Islam," includes a fascinating discussion among Middle East experts about the Sept. 11 attacks. "Children Underground," 5 p.m., Cinemax (8 p.m. Cinemax West). Oscar-nominated documentary on Romania's youngsters who live in subway stations, begging for money and sniffing spray paint out of bags. A disturbing snapshot of post-Communist Europe.