My fellow Americans: Craig Ferguson tells viewers, "If you don't vote you're a moron"; read his monologue

There is no zeal like the zeal of the convert. And having been recently sworn in as an official United States citizen, late-night funnyman Craig Ferguson is outraged that his new countrymen go to the polls in appallingly low numbers, especially the young people who make up much of his audience.

So he devoted a huge chunk of his show tonight -- the show immediately following Barack Obama's appearance on "Late Show with David Letterman" -- to lecturing Americans about their failure to take their responsibility as U.S. citizens seriously. Frankly, I don't think he has to worry about low voter turnout for this election. But it's a rousing pep talk and a nice counterpoint to his overly jokey performance at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

UPDATE: Video is below. Also below, I have a pared-down transcript of Craig's opening talk and his desk talk from tonight's "Late Late Show," courtesy of CBS. Enjoy.

[Note: This is an excerpt. I've left out some of Craig's comic digressions, which are routinely hilarious, because you can always watch those on YouTube.]

It's a great day for America. Why? It just is. Did you just watch Barack Obama on David Letterman? The Presidential election is heating up. All sorts of controversy. Obama said, "You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig." Then Republicans said, "Did you call Sarah Palin a pig? That means you hate America." And then the Democrats said, "No, no, no. Republicans you don't love pigs. It's a pigs right to wear lipstick," blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

What I don't understand is this: Why is Barack Obama talking about lipstick on a pig? Why are we talking about animals and cosmetics? There is another thing I don't understand: Why is John McCain hanging around while his VP candidate is campaigning to be President? What is going on?

If you watch the news you would think that Sarah Palin is running for President. Spoiler alert! You're not! What happens is the media focuses on the best looking candidates from either side. The most "TV-friendly" people. The way this election is being covered is like TMZ or something. It's like they're covering Paris and Nicole. I'm watching this. "Look at her hair and hat." If Walter Cronkite could see these brain-dead morons yapping about flag pins & hairstyles, he'd turn over in his grave. Which is weird because cause Cronkite is still alive and well and lives in Martha's Vineyard. If he were dead he would be furious!

Here is my hope for this election. My belief and my hope is that the American people are smarter than the media that are meant to be serving them. This is unbelievable to me. I think people want to see real solutions to real problems; and they don't really care if they come from the right or left.

I like all 4 of these candidates a lot. For comedy reasons they you can't be beat. Grizzled old veteran trying to win one last campaign. The brash rookie who inspires millions. The hockey mom, who is governor by day, naughty librarian by night. You've got Biden, who's all "Biden-y" there.

The point I'm trying to get is: this is a very important election this one, but you would never know it from the way it's being reported. On the Today Show this morning: "Which candidate would you rather have dinner with?" Here's an easy answer: None. They're politicians. I don't want dinner with you and I don't want your friendship. Here is what I want to know, what are you going to do for the country, pal? What are you going to do?

Do you know what bothers me is every election year you get the voter registration drives aimed at the young people. "Rock the Vote" or "The Vote is Crackalackin" or "Think the Vote," "Music the Vote" "The Vote, The Vote, The Vote!" Are we so lost we have to be sold our own democratic right? What the hell is wrong with us? What is going on? We have to sexy-up the vote for young people? Remember 4 Years ago Puff Diddly had that group called "Vote or Die." Then turned out he didn't even vote himself. Maybe he forgot which name he was registered under.

Here is what I am saying to you: If you don't vote, you're a moron. "Not voting is a vote" - no it isn't!! Not voting is just being stupid. Voting is not sexy. Voting is not hip. It is not fashionable. It is not a movie. It is not a videogame. Frankly, voting is a pain in the ass. But here is a word, look it up, it's your duty to vote!

Listen. I am an American. This country is at war right now! Americans in foreign lands wearing uniform representing this country are losing their lives. Americans here in this country are losing their homes. We have two patriotic candidates. Both love this country, but have different ideas what to do with it. Learn about them. Read about them. Question them. Listen to them. Then on Election Day, exercise your sacred right as American and listen to yourself. We'll be right back.

[And then at the desk...]

Welcome back to the grumpy political edition of the show. I am angry. Do you know I am thinking about these statistics I got off of the googely web today and I am looking at the statistics of people who actually vote and I'm thinking a lot of people don't vote because they think they are going to have to get into an argument about, you know, they have to talk about who they are voting for and get into political discussion and tempers flare and people say mean things and all that bull doo-doo, which is a European word for shit.

And I think sometimes people forget this, You don't have to tell anybody who you vote for. Privacy is protected in a democracy like this. You don't have to tell who you are voting for. It's nobody's business. And in fact I wish a lot of people, celebrities mostly, would take advantage of the rule of privacy and shut the hell up about who they are voting for. It's so odd to me. "Well you should vote the way I am voting cause I am on a sitcom." No!! You are perfectly entitled to talk about who you are voting for, It's encouraged, but you don't have to.

Here is the thing that made me think. Half of the people who didn't register to vote were asked why and said, "I'm not interested in the election," or "I'm not interested in politics." How could you be not interested in politics? You have to have an opinion about something! "I'm not interested in politics" - do you live anywhere? Do you shop anywhere? Do you drive a car? Do you put on pants? Do you leave your house at any point? Do you own your house? Do you rent the house? Do you ever hope that the police will save you from something that may or may not be illegal? Of course you are involved in politics! If you are alive you are involved in politics!!

[And then Ferguson handed postage-paid voter registration cards to everyone in the studio audience.]

Comments

[Barbie Smith]

I just started watching Ferguson at the start of this year (2008). Where have I been? Where has HE been? Too late at night for most folks, it seems. What a wonderful man. His speech, tonight (Sept. 10), is the most sincere outpouring of patriotism that I have heard in 40+ years. I love Craig Ferguson.My "jaded" husband -- who faithfully served in the jungles of a foreign war and does not vote because of his war experience -- believes that ALL politicians lie -- was very impressed with Ferguson's plea to Americans, especially young Americans. I have always voted; we owe it to ourselves and to America (our "duty") or else we will lose our democracy and everything that we've fought for and won. By voting, we tell our elected officials if they are "in" or if they get to stay "in" and what we expect from them. That is why they still court the voters.
B. Smith, Azle, Texas

[Linda]

I watched the show tonight and thought Craig Ferguson was tremendous. People everywhere need to see this. Please find some way to show it during the day, many don't watch late night.
This is so important. Wake up American's! Get out and vote!

[Karen Oldham]

I was so pleased to hear you express the frustrations that so many of us have regarding this election. No matter who we support for president, there is valid criticism of how this election is being presented. Craig, I do hope that all of our citizens take their duty seriously, whether it is voting, reporting, or commentating. Thank you You Tube for making Craig's comments available to a wider audience.

[montana gal]

This was one of the most inspiring things I have heard all week. I have been watching alot of news channels and am sick of the "lipstick crap" & want people & the media to talk about what is really important. Our world is in desperate need of a change & we need to listen to issues & then make up our own minds. Do not go on what your father or mother's party affiliation is, think for yourself! What do YOU want from the leaders. This is the greatest country in the world but we aren't getting how important this election is. We are worried about how cute Sarah is, what comment Barack made, etc. Petty items should not determine who we vote for. Study the issues & the candidates & get out & vote! It took a comedian to straighten out things. Great job Craig!!

[FlyGalsMom]

I love this Guy-- I only discovered him in April of 2008 and have already seen him in person out in Central NJ--We are from NYC & will be trying to obtain tickets to see him when he appears in NYC on Nov 7th @ The Town Hall Theater.....

We waited beside the stage door in NJ, with hundreds of others to get his autograph--He did NOT disappoint-- and was as gracious as he could be to the throngs of fans---

He reminds me of Johnny Carson with his wackadoo characters and Robin Williams with his ad libbing monologues--

But the fact that he is so proud to be an American makes me proud too

A Talented writer-actor- etc AND Handsome- funny AND PATRIOTIC to boot-- He is my NEW favorite talk show host --After his pep talk on voting on his show tonight 9/11/08 (airs at 12:37Am) he is My Hero too!!

Duty Indeed! The man hit the nail right on the head! THANK YOU CRAIG!!

[Don M]

Dear Craig,

May I vote for you on November 4th? Yours was of the most effective talks on politics and the need for us to vote I have ever heard. It is too bad this outpouring of patriotism is not being aired on prime-time television as there are many fewer viewers watching at 12:30 in the morning. Bravo, my American friend...and congratulations for using your bully pulpit in such a spectacular way.

[rich]

awesome!

[Don Mills]

Craig Ferguson gave to us last night a wonderful "chat" with his audience. His non-partisan critique of the electioneering that takes place, and his encouragement to all to get out and vote as a duty to yourself and your country. I only wish this could have been broadcast earlier in the evening so more people would see it. Congratulations, Craig Ferguson. Let's see if your fervor is still strong four or eight years hence...

[MinKCK]

KUDOS!!!!!!!!!!! to Craig. I wish I could stay awake to watch this, but...He is absolutely on point. There is no accounting for ignorance, but those who know better there is no excuse to never vote. Our vote does have power. And when we don't vote, we get the last 8 years.

[OutOfSync]

I've never stood up and applauded a late night television host until last evening.
Ferguson was dead onto so many things including his observation of the hypocrisy in parading in public what you want to be kept politically off-limits.

[alligator]

Voting in and of itself is not a solution-- it may set us up for a bigger problem. When young, naive, pop-culturists vote because they're worked into a frenzy of irrational exuberance by well-marketed, fork-tongued devils, what might be the outcome? Let's start with a serious focus on educating our young on economics, history, world affairs, the Constitution and political science.
The biggest drawback of democracy is the right of ignorant and stupid people to vote. The educated and aware will vote. The apathetic and foolish do us a service when they don't vote.

[Michael]

I just recently started watching Ferguson and he is a prime example of the foundations that this great country was built on. He hit the @#%$*!! nail square on the head. It is your DUTY to vote. Ferguson is a great human being. He was the only TV talking head that DID NOT jump on the Brittany bashing band wagon due to tha fact that he overcame his own personal demons. He is an inspiration to me to try and overcome my own. He uses his brilliant humor for many good and entertaining topics. Get off yer arses and VOTE!! Right on, Craig!!

[Richard]

Craig can, for the most part, be interesting and amusing at the same time. When,however, he is in a serious mode, he can turn off the comedy and be highly engaging as a fellow human being. When he gave a loving tribute to his father; when he asked the pap's to stop hounding a disturbed Britney Spears, all this adds to his cred. Last night's monologue jumped me from almost sleep mode to full attention...the man hit a home run...again. This guy should have gotten the "Tonight" show.

[Carl H]

Saw the monologue, and thought it was great. I always vote, and mock any of my friends who don't. But Craig does better mockery than I do. Credit (at Visa's 18%) where credit is due.

[Sam Hobbs]

If you DO vote you are a moron. You are helping validate a bad system. The longer we support a system that only provides us people that we vote AGAINST to KEEP from office the longer the system will look like it is valid.
People need to start demanding better candidates no matter what party they are in.

[McKenzie Paige]

I just wanted to give a techno handshake to Craig. He is an amazing man who - though I'm already very political, and am not quite old enough to vote - inspired me to do all that I can to get out the vote for those around me. Thanks to You-tube and CBS for making his words easily accessible and again, more power to you for speaking up and saying what a lot of born Americans wont, Craig. We love you. Thanks so much!

~ McKenzie ~

[gale graves]

I admire Craig as a true patriot with the courage and the class to expose the shortcomings and sensationalism in our media, Hollywood, and politicians. He did a fantastic monologue and we should be proud of him. It was laced with some comedy, but was a passionate plea to all of us to respect our rights and appreciate our country. He has clear vision as a new citizen, truly respects his position in our country after years of hard work asking for handouts from no one. A true talent. Hope he is on TV for many many years.

[Debbie W.]

This was so inspiring! I watched it and was floored. Once again, Craig was on the nose. I never miss him and was disappointed that my friends and family wouldn't see this. Thanks for making this available so that I can forward it to all my friends and family who don't stay up late. Thank you Craig Ferguson for saying out loud what so many of us were feeling. What a great American you are!

[rechercher]

Aaron, your coverage of the electronic media's political coverage has been quite impressive lately, and this is just another great example of why. Craig Ferguson comes from a civilization with thousands of years of history, culture and universal health care, and yet he still chose to become an American citizen. We are lucky to have him.

[JoeAnn Sause]

Dear Craig,
I've watched you for several years and applaud you for being THE BEST in Late night entertainment. I have recently become disabled and you are the highlight of my night! You are halarious, silly and just a really good guy. I love your humor.
On Setember 10th, I wished a was able to stand up and cheer for you and your heartfelt messages to Americans. Here you are a "Newborn American" and you have the guts to tell all the lazy, "me" Americans what is really important and to vote on Novemebr 4th. I have so much respect for you, I was crying because your message moved me. PLease keep it up, my man, until it gets through to one and all.Then your most respectful remarks for September 11th,were uncomparable. Thank you for showing people how to respect our country. You have earned my respect for your true patriotism.You will be in Athens, GA on Sept. 19th and I am from Decatur, GA. Because of my disabilities, I will not be able to see you at the Class Center Theatre, I wish I could. I would love to be in the presence of a true American and one of 2 people that are able to make be bellylaugh. Keep doing what you are doing. You are THE BEST and I truly admire you. Someday, maybe I will be able to meet you.
Take care and God Bless you for what you do.
JoeAnn Sause, Decatur, GA

[Rekaya]

I'm glad that I was able to listen to Craig Ferguson's monologue on your site. He did an excellent job. I hope people take the time to reflect on what he is saying. I plan to share it with others. Thanks.

Rekaya Gibson, Author
The Food Temptress

[JoeAnn Sause]

Dear Craig,
I've watched you for several years and applaud you for being THE BEST in Late night entertainment. I have recently become disabled and you are the highlight of my night! You are halarious, silly and just a really good guy. I love your humor.
On Setember 10th, I wished a was able to stand up and cheer for you and your heartfelt messages to Americans. Here you are a "Newborn American" and you have the guts to tell all the lazy, "me" Americans what is really important and to vote on Novemebr 4th. I have so much respect for you, I was crying because your message moved me. PLease keep it up, my man, until it gets through to one and all.Then your most respectful remarks for September 11th,were uncomparable. Thank you for showing people how to respect our country. You have earned my respect for your true patriotism.You will be in Athens, GA on Sept. 19th and I am from Decatur, GA. Because of my disabilities, I will not be able to see you at the Class Center Theatre, I wish I could. I would love to be in the presence of a true American and one of 2 people that are able to make be bellylaugh. Keep doing what you are doing. You are THE BEST and I truly admire you. Someday, maybe I will be able to meet you.
Take care and God Bless you for what you do.
JoeAnn Sause, Decatur, GA

[Peggy]

Hey, Carl H....don't vote??? guess you are one of the moron's Ferguson is talking about.

Why not move to Canada or France or somewhere?

You go, Ferguson!! I love ya!

[Dale P]

My solution to the political fiasco we live in is to add "NONE OF THE ABOVE" to the ballot. That way, we don't have to continually vote for the lesser of two evils. Maybe we would get candidates who really govern according to the will of the PEOPLE! (What a novel idea....- wish I would have thought of that....)

[Anna]

I saw this broadcast and thought it was absolutely terrific!

Last night Sept 11 I missed his show -- is there a place I can see that broadcast because I know that he had another profound speech in his monologue regarding 9/11