My fellow Americans: Craig Ferguson tells viewers, "If you don't vote you're a moron"; read his monologue

There is no zeal like the zeal of the convert. And having been recently sworn in as an official United States citizen, late-night funnyman Craig Ferguson is outraged that his new countrymen go to the polls in appallingly low numbers, especially the young people who make up much of his audience.

So he devoted a huge chunk of his show tonight -- the show immediately following Barack Obama's appearance on "Late Show with David Letterman" -- to lecturing Americans about their failure to take their responsibility as U.S. citizens seriously. Frankly, I don't think he has to worry about low voter turnout for this election. But it's a rousing pep talk and a nice counterpoint to his overly jokey performance at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

UPDATE: Video is below. Also below, I have a pared-down transcript of Craig's opening talk and his desk talk from tonight's "Late Late Show," courtesy of CBS. Enjoy.

[Note: This is an excerpt. I've left out some of Craig's comic digressions, which are routinely hilarious, because you can always watch those on YouTube.]

It's a great day for America. Why? It just is. Did you just watch Barack Obama on David Letterman? The Presidential election is heating up. All sorts of controversy. Obama said, "You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig." Then Republicans said, "Did you call Sarah Palin a pig? That means you hate America." And then the Democrats said, "No, no, no. Republicans you don't love pigs. It's a pigs right to wear lipstick," blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

What I don't understand is this: Why is Barack Obama talking about lipstick on a pig? Why are we talking about animals and cosmetics? There is another thing I don't understand: Why is John McCain hanging around while his VP candidate is campaigning to be President? What is going on?

If you watch the news you would think that Sarah Palin is running for President. Spoiler alert! You're not! What happens is the media focuses on the best looking candidates from either side. The most "TV-friendly" people. The way this election is being covered is like TMZ or something. It's like they're covering Paris and Nicole. I'm watching this. "Look at her hair and hat." If Walter Cronkite could see these brain-dead morons yapping about flag pins & hairstyles, he'd turn over in his grave. Which is weird because cause Cronkite is still alive and well and lives in Martha's Vineyard. If he were dead he would be furious!

Here is my hope for this election. My belief and my hope is that the American people are smarter than the media that are meant to be serving them. This is unbelievable to me. I think people want to see real solutions to real problems; and they don't really care if they come from the right or left.

I like all 4 of these candidates a lot. For comedy reasons they you can't be beat. Grizzled old veteran trying to win one last campaign. The brash rookie who inspires millions. The hockey mom, who is governor by day, naughty librarian by night. You've got Biden, who's all "Biden-y" there.

The point I'm trying to get is: this is a very important election this one, but you would never know it from the way it's being reported. On the Today Show this morning: "Which candidate would you rather have dinner with?" Here's an easy answer: None. They're politicians. I don't want dinner with you and I don't want your friendship. Here is what I want to know, what are you going to do for the country, pal? What are you going to do?

Do you know what bothers me is every election year you get the voter registration drives aimed at the young people. "Rock the Vote" or "The Vote is Crackalackin" or "Think the Vote," "Music the Vote" "The Vote, The Vote, The Vote!" Are we so lost we have to be sold our own democratic right? What the hell is wrong with us? What is going on? We have to sexy-up the vote for young people? Remember 4 Years ago Puff Diddly had that group called "Vote or Die." Then turned out he didn't even vote himself. Maybe he forgot which name he was registered under.

Here is what I am saying to you: If you don't vote, you're a moron. "Not voting is a vote" - no it isn't!! Not voting is just being stupid. Voting is not sexy. Voting is not hip. It is not fashionable. It is not a movie. It is not a videogame. Frankly, voting is a pain in the ass. But here is a word, look it up, it's your duty to vote!

Listen. I am an American. This country is at war right now! Americans in foreign lands wearing uniform representing this country are losing their lives. Americans here in this country are losing their homes. We have two patriotic candidates. Both love this country, but have different ideas what to do with it. Learn about them. Read about them. Question them. Listen to them. Then on Election Day, exercise your sacred right as American and listen to yourself. We'll be right back.

[And then at the desk...]

Welcome back to the grumpy political edition of the show. I am angry. Do you know I am thinking about these statistics I got off of the googely web today and I am looking at the statistics of people who actually vote and I'm thinking a lot of people don't vote because they think they are going to have to get into an argument about, you know, they have to talk about who they are voting for and get into political discussion and tempers flare and people say mean things and all that bull doo-doo, which is a European word for shit.

And I think sometimes people forget this, You don't have to tell anybody who you vote for. Privacy is protected in a democracy like this. You don't have to tell who you are voting for. It's nobody's business. And in fact I wish a lot of people, celebrities mostly, would take advantage of the rule of privacy and shut the hell up about who they are voting for. It's so odd to me. "Well you should vote the way I am voting cause I am on a sitcom." No!! You are perfectly entitled to talk about who you are voting for, It's encouraged, but you don't have to.

Here is the thing that made me think. Half of the people who didn't register to vote were asked why and said, "I'm not interested in the election," or "I'm not interested in politics." How could you be not interested in politics? You have to have an opinion about something! "I'm not interested in politics" - do you live anywhere? Do you shop anywhere? Do you drive a car? Do you put on pants? Do you leave your house at any point? Do you own your house? Do you rent the house? Do you ever hope that the police will save you from something that may or may not be illegal? Of course you are involved in politics! If you are alive you are involved in politics!!

[And then Ferguson handed postage-paid voter registration cards to everyone in the studio audience.]

Comments

[canblath]

Hi. I'm Canadian, and I have watched Craig since he started. I will not go into what we Canadians think about this presidential race. If you go on the CBS website, though, and quickly, you might catch his monologue (CBS only catches it for a week, unless it is 'exceptional'. This particular one might stay around for a while. For any other snippets, you should go to YouTube. If you don't know anything about Craig Ferguson, you should type in his name on YouTube. You will get highlights from a few years!

[Andy]

I enjoy watching Craig's show and agree tht he is the best late night talk show host. His monologues are brilliant. But it is those times when he gets serious and talks from the heart that makes him all the more credible. His monologue on this night should be replayed in high schools and colleges and throughout the country to get folks to take politics seriously. I agree wholeheartedly with Craig's sentiments. Keep up the good work

[Jacq.McIntosh]

Dearest Craig -

BRAVO!! Well Done, as always. I watch your show every night since I have discovered you. Rather, since I have been laid off and now have not yet found a job. I have always voted, as a woman it is an honor to the woman that gave us this option. Any woman that does not is an idiot. I was in tears at the end of your monologue. As my sister reminded me after a difficult day at my previous job of how many Americans are giving their lives, if my boss needed to have a hissy fit it really was nothing compared to what our men and women were giving up for this country. She recently retired from the Air Force. I also have a cousin that is posted at Camp David and another cousin now retired from the Air Force.

Craig, thank you so much for reminding those who do not take the time to vote how much it means. By the way, I have tried to be the first one to vote at my polling place, then realized I won't have that opportunity until I am elderly and working at my polling place. Dah. And, me spitting my sip of wine on my carpet from laughing as you spoke of the pigs with lipstick and now having to clean my carpet is nothing compaired to how much fun you bring into our homes at the end of the day. Wish I had discovered your show sooner.

As always, your good Witch of the East,
Jacq.

[dano]

to those who think that voting only encourages a broken system:

we vote for more than president. we vote for local politicians and representatives. we vote on propositions. do we treat these votes seriously? who is your representative in washington? the more input we have in local elections, the more input we will eventually have in national elections, because the people we vote for locally tend to become tomorrow's crop of presidential hopefuls.

[Carol Banfield]

I don't watch much tv. A few movies, poitical talk shows like Face the Nation, etc., but I WANT to watch Craig Ferguson. How can I find him? What network? What time? He is right on. There is no excuse for not voting. I'm not a young person like he spoke directly to, but I have lots of young folks in my family. I am 68 with grandkids and great grandkids, & they get tired of hearing grandma preach as to their responsibility to their country. I'm glad someone else is doing it too. Thanks, Craig

[Philly Rains]

I was fortunate to see this show live (I watch every night) and like so many others who've already commented, I felt like applauding Craig at each break. No one does 'funny' better, but when the subject is serious, he is brilliant!
He's an hilariously man, a late night talk show host, who can turn into our Jiminy Cricket conscious, teaching us a morals lesson while still making us laugh. That's what makes him unique. That's why we love him. We can tell that he is the same person on and off the show.....no Hollywood BS, or fluff. He's real. He should be gearing up for David Letterman's chair the minute Dave is ready to retire...'cause we're definitely ready for Craig!

[Ray]

I TiVo Craig every night. This is nothing new. He made a very moving statement earlier in the month on his 9/11 show. The man is a newly made citizen and just bubbles over it. He is a comedian but also an apparently down to earth individual who isn't so much worried about the network suits but rather has an allegiance to his fans and audience. This isn't the first time he stopped his antics....and by the way, his nightly antics are just hilarious, and taken a few moments to have some straight talk to his audience.

He hit a grand slam home run with this one.

His monologue or certainly excerpts from it should have been shown on every news station....it wasn't as they couldn't squeeze Craig's comments onto their air time without cutting away from what Sarah was wearing or what Obama and McCain were trashing rach other over.

Keep up the good work Craig. You are the absolute funniest man on late night tv and also the one who makes the most sense when the moment requires it. My one hope is that people will begin to watch you in large numbers on a nightly basis and if we're all lucky, one day some network suit will be smart enough to put you in a timeslot where you get the exposure you deserve.

[Emily]

Craig's a genius.