The Emmys liveblog: Revenge of the writers

Seattle, Sunday morning.

So, I'm not in Kansas City right now, but in Seattle, land of evergreens and rainy season, where my vacation is about to begin ... just as soon as the Emmys are over.

As you may know, Seattle is in the the Pacific Time Zone, where many live TV events air on a two-hour delay. Since my colleagues at the Kansas City Star are counting on me to meet their deadlines, which are inconveniently pegged to Central Time, I'll be watching the festivities on an East Coast TV station via satellite.

6:10 p.m. CT: Jimmy Kimmel is hosting his pre-Emmys special. Think "anti-Barbara Walters" and you're in the neighborhood. Tinkly music, gauzy lens, Jimmy doing deadpan interviews in a fancy mansion. If you have the sound down, you almost think he's playing it straight. But then, you see Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps laughing. Had you had the sound up, you'd know Jimmy had just asked him, "You pee in the pool, right? Which country leads the world in peeing the pool?"

6:14 p.m. CT: Hilarious fake clip from "Grey's Anatomy" starring Phelps in a Speedo as "Dr. McSwimmy." (Interesting: Every time the camera shows him from the front, there's a black spot with the word CENSORED over his package. Was that deliberate or did standards & practices demand it?) Phelps is pretty much two eyebrows and a couple of paddle feet. So the fact the interview was actually pretty entertaining says a lot for Kimmel and his staff.

6:19 p.m. CT: Kimmel just introduced his second guest, Tracy Morgan, by telling us about the time he got his family off welfare. Unfortunately, we're also so marinated in irony that I actually have no idea if Kimmel means this or not. "30 Rock," said Kimmel, gave him "a role for which he was almost nominated for an Emmy."

6:26 p.m. CT: Now he's provoking Morgan into going after Neil Patrick Harris with a baseball bat to avenge Doogie's being nominated for an Emmy. Now a teaser for the next segment: Salma Hayek confirms the "rumor" that she was born in Mexico. Kimmel's follow-up: "What's that like?"

6:50 p.m. CT: Wow. A "Frida" parody with Salma, Adam Carolla, and Kevin James. Now that's entertainment!

6:58 p.m. CT: Great ending as Kimmel interviews all five co-hosts of the Emmy Awards at once. It ends in a rumble.

7:00 p.m. CT: Annnnnd now we take you to the Emmys! And the lame, mass-medium humor award shows are famous for, as stars perform other stars' famous lines.

7:03 p.m. CT: Liveblogging and twittering at once. Because, you know, I believe in serving all of my fans, not just some.

7:05 p.m. CT: The hosts of the show tell us that they have "absolutely nothing" to say. And yet they are still talking. So they are unscripted, is that what they're telling us?

7:08 p.m. CT: Probst, Seacrest and Howie are finally done talking and storm off the stage. Tom Bergeron calls William Shatner up on stage to rip the outer clothing layer off of Heidi Klum. Wow. From bad to worse. That is one dreadful intro.

7:12 p.m. Piven, a few moments into his rambling acceptance speech: "What if I just kept talking for 12 minutes? That was the opening!" Big laugh.

7:27 p.m. Blogging almost out of obligation to this lame broadcast. I will say this -- the set designers are getting a workout!

7:28 p.m. Please don't let it be Shatner.

7:29 p.m. It wasn't Shatner!

7:30 p.m. Ricky Gervais introduces a clip reel. I wish that Ricky could have just kept talking instead of looking at clips. About his win last year: "The press called it an upset. Which means they think I shouldn't have won."

7:35 p.m. Ricky tries to get Steve Carell to hand over the Emmy that he "stole" from him last year. Are we going to have nothing but sketches that go on TOO FRIGGIN LONG?

7:38 p.m. Checking my comments. At 7:12 Fred wrote to say, "You forgot to mention what award Piven won. Get on the ball!" I think Fred was serious.

7:42 p.m. Conan O'Brien ends his monologue by saying "I had a few more jokes but Katherine Heigl told me she didn't think they were Emmy-worthy."

7:49 p.m. Howie and Jeff screwing around AGAIN. Are they drunk?

7:50 p.m. "I'm Steve Martin, and I'll be out here in just a minute." Isn't it great when people take time to WRITE THEIR LINES? "You know, I don't use the word 'genius' often. (Pause.) I just thought I'd mention that." And, "Tommy Smothers is a man who has given me so much. (Pause.) Nothing I wanted ..."

7:55 p.m. "I dedicate this Emmy to all people who feel compelled to speak out, and to speak truth to power, and refuse to shut up." Kinda like Tommy, but god bless 'im anyway.

8:04 p.m. Josh Groban is having WAY TOO MUCH FUN singing clips of TV show tunes, including the theme to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air." And the "South Park" voices! And impersonations of Don Pardo, Alan Kalter and Joel Goddard!! Note how many of those theme songs are from TV shows currently on the air: Very. Few.

8:14 p.m. Incredibly unfunny "Laugh-In" live introduction of the variety-comedy award nominees. You know why "Laugh-In" was so funny? EDITING.

8:33 p.m. Took a breather to write and heal from the first half of the show. Now John Schaffner is on stage. I like John personally, but he should be impeached for this Emmycast.

8:37 p.m. The highlight of "Recount" was the animation explaining how a chad got hanged. Otherwise it was an OK movie. Purely political win for "HBO."

8:48 p.m. "John Adams" wins the almost annual HBO movie-miniseries showdown in writing. As expected.

8:50 p.m. Rick Porter reminds me that one more (expected) win and "John Adams" will set the all-time single Emmy year Emmy record with 12 Emmys. It's still up for actor (Giamatti) and miniseries. Both slam dunks leading to a lucky 13.

8:53 p.m. Howie Mandel is getting short and to the point, at long last. But we don't need a "M*A*S*H" tribute.

8:54 p.m. Longtime reader David Loehr just summed up the last award winner interruption:

"They articulated complex thoughts. They used words--" "THE AMAZING RACE! DANCING WITH THE STARS!" That right there says it all.

8:56 p.m. Rickles, Rickles, Rickles. He's killing me for two minutes. Then Kathy Griffin urges him to turn to the teleprompter: Rickles: "Oh really -- 'cause it's a hot show." Laugh. "Let's read these funny lines they wrote for us." Bigger laugh. And then he reads two jokes off the prompter ... and bombs. "Let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, this crap got me no place."

9:03 p.m. Tom Hanks, receiving the Emmy for outstanding miniseries, reminds us that the 1800 election was no great shakes -- and it featured three terrific candidates as well (Jefferson, Adams, Burr).

9:05 p.m. The incomparable Andy Ihnatko: "Is Tom Hanks about to star in a Barry Goldwater biopic? Because if he isn't, producers are now thinking 'He should star as Barry Goldwater.'"

9:07 p.m. I must admit I kind of like ABC's "Stay at Home Week" promotion. I mean, it's no "Still the One," but it's a nice counter to "TV Turn-Off Week."

9:09 p.m. Neil Patrick said he had an introductory speech but, "thanks to Howie Mandel, it's been cut."

9:10 p.m. You can never give Don Rickles too many standing O's!

9:16 p.m. Loehr again: "When did Kate Walsh turn into Wendie Malick?"

9:20 p.m. Interesting insight from reader Rick Murphy: "Understand that the Emmys is just like most contests. Popularity. So if you want to predict the winner unless the person is a complete jerk, the question to ask is how popular is that person? That question can be answered by how many voters they have encountered in their career. The more shows they have been on the more contact with voters. This is why I usually have a pretty good percentage of picking winners. Jean Smart-Designing Women, 24, Samantha Who, and tons of guest appearances. Zeijko Ivanek-Homicide, Oz, Damages, and also a lot of guest appearances. Even Jeremy Piven goes back with Ellen and Cupid."

9:24 p.m. Paul Giamatti wins the record 13th Emmy Award for "John Adams" and says it is proof that "Anybody can play the president. Any-bo-dy can play the president."

9:27 p.m. Note to confused viewers: DO NOT BE DECEIVED by that ABC promo linking "Pushing Daisies" to "Stay at Home Week." Unless they extend it to "Stay At Home Fortnight," it's wrong. "Pushing Daisies" comes back Oct. 1. And I've seen the episode -- and I really like it. But I still have a sneaking feeling that a little goes a long ways.

9:29 p.m. Get off the stage, Glenn Close, so we can say goodbye to Joey Bishop. Estelle Getty: "That's it, I'm done! What do you want me to do, bring down the curtain?" And Jim McKay: "They're all gone." And more George Carlin! I'd give George Carlin an encore too, even if it was to say something very irreverent about the great hereafter.

9:39 p.m. Bryan Cranston proves that cable is now eating network's lunch. One excellent pilot wins over four incomparable seasons of "House." I'm fine with it.

9:41 p.m. Brooke Shields and Craig Ferguson ham it up and for the first time all night, it's just exactly the right amount of awkward unscriptedness.

9:45 p.m. Now that is the ultimate writers' revenge on the reality shows ... making their hosts sweat through a commercial break before finding out which one of them has won the Emmy. Does anyone do deadpan these days better than Jimmy Kimmel?

9:51 p.m. Superb speech, as usual, from the Probst. The guy CBS didn't want hosting the reunion show. they guy CBS wanted Bryant Gumbel hosting the reality show instead of.

9:55 p.m. Tina Fey has it just right -- her show airs "occasionally on television." But just wait until syndication! Congrats on keeping your Emmy.

9:57 p.m. "Mad Men" triumphs! I am once again laid low. Another year, another set of useless predictions ... and frankly, I'm happier they won than "Lost." I mean, I'm happier they "won" than Lost. Uh .... well.... anyway, signing off.

Comments

[Marti]

Tommy Smothers' acceptance was very touching and "truthy" *grin*

[Keith]

Re 8:04, ...in part because most opens if they exist at all don't have lyrics; though it would've been fun to have him do 3 seconds of "Ancient Voices" from Survivor (either the two note yell or the Russian folk tune).

From current shows the only other one not used on the top of my head wase only one I could

And even for the oldies, two of those themes used lyrics not heard on TV (Andy Griffith, M*A*S*H).

[Keith]

re: 8:14, ditto reality shows

[Keith]

Revising and extending my remarks...

re: 8:04 most shows these days, if they get an opening at all, have either instrumentals (e.g. All three best series category winners), or borrow existing tunes (all 3 CSIs, The Apprentice). Besides 3 1/2 and the Simpsons from Groban's medley what has original lyrics these days?

All else that come to mind: Big Bang Theory, My Life on the D-List, Family Guy, the russian chants of Survivor, scatting on Boston Legal and HIMYM, and some VH-1 Crap...

The 2008 theme music Emmy went posthumously to "Pirate Master." Last year Tina Fey's husband Jeff Richmond spritely "30 Rock" lost to "The Tudors"

And for those who want the full lyrics Groban sang that were never on TV, goto http://www.andygriffithshow.net/theme.php or watch Robert Altman's film version of M*A*S*H

[Mark Bunker]

I think this is the first Emmycast where I could zip past EVERY host second. Thanks, Emmy producers, for stripping the entertainment out of this broadcast.

And please, can we stop giving awards to other awards show? How does staging one dull, bloated ceremony a year compete with producing an actually entertaining series?

And if Colbert, who essentially does a brilliant new one-man show four nights a week, has to lose to a performer who does the same act he's been doing each night for years in Vegas, at least it's the worthy Rickles.

Now, hold to tradition and sing a duet with him, Colbert.