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March 01, 2009

Quick weight-loss tips

Americans are too fat. At least once a week a new survey comes to view about our obesity and what needs to be done by the populace to escape from this terrible quagmire.

It is my belief that most of the problem stems not from our eating habits, but from our inability to properly weigh our bodies. I take a page from the late, great, comic performer Totie Fields, who endeavored to teach us how to properly approach the scales. Among her admonishments were the following.

Get a haircut.

Cut toenails and fingernails.

Visit the bathroom.

Remove all clothing.

Remove all jewelry, including wristwatch.

Take a shower. Dirt is heavy. Just look at those big bulldozers.

Remove lint from navel.

Exhale all air from lungs.

Adjust scales to absolute zero.

Now, and only now, are you ready to weigh yourself in the privacy of your own home. See the improvement? Bon appetit.

Bob Hemenway
Kansas City


Pub 17

I've got pix from Celebrity Sleuth....


"late, great, comic performer Totie Fields"

OMG, I had forgotten all about her. I'm gonna need therapy now. Argh.

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